If not for tradition, and some questionable overly-saccharin sentiment, I doubt any reasonable person would read the Scriptures and think Mary was not a normally married woman after Jesus was conceived. The issue is not whether Mary had children. It is possible and still common to be a married person, having normal conjugal uniting, and not conceive a child or give birth. The issue of Mary is not just about the biblical details of her family, but the essence of marriage—which is one of the most attacked institutions of God today.
From a pastor’s point of view, married couples able to but not physically uniting as God intended within marriage have problems. Years of abstinence would denote big problems, if physically possible, but purposely avoided—even the pagan would know that is not ideal. If one can be celibate, we are advised in 1 Cor. 7, it as a divine gift in itself and marriage is not needed in that case. But most people do not have a choice biologically, being created for marriage—and therefore impelled to and by the marital act itself.
Physical consummation creates a one flesh union and is synonymous with marital unity, despite willful intentions: “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” (1 Cor. 6:16). God works marital unity through the physical act itself, making male and female one flesh, and it is a continued demonstration and strengthening of the unity God ordained until death parts them.
The bigger question regarding Mary is not whether she had children but whether she was truly married. Married people unite physically, it is what they were made to do. Why do people treat Mary differently after Jesus was born? The inertia of tradition—a Christian tradition that has so often denigrated the holy estate of marriage and falsely elevated virginity as something more spiritual than raising a family and teaching the faith to little ones. This low-key downgrading of physical unity as something less godly or spiritual is not only wrong, it is dangerous and scripturally inaccurate. God created marital duty and marriage itself as the place for bodily creatures to live in holiness and service to Him. Sin, including fleshly passions and lusts, have clouded the sanctity of marriage, but virginity gets one no closer to God. It does not speak well of any wife, even Mary, to boast of virginity within a marriage—that goes against God’s design and also His Word regarding marriage.
The issue with Mary is that she was a normal married woman—not without sin and not somehow above physical uniting, except as God detailed temporarily for her and Joseph. To imply virginity is good within any marriage, is to say that marriage in the fullest sense is lesser and what leads to children completely optional and perhaps for those of a lower spiritual status. But there is only one type of marriage—it does not differ outwardly for believer or unbeliever. God designed male and female and His unitive purpose is inbuilt—His own creation. To speak of virginity, or as the Roman and Orthodox churches speak of “living as brother and sister” within marriage, is not marriage as God designed it and laid it out in Scripture. One is to live in holy faith and abstain from sin—not God-given biological function.
Since Scripture says nothing extraordinary of Mary and Joseph’s union after Jesus’ birth, the biblical pattern of marriage must dominate our thinking of the issue—not the invented weight of flimsy and theologically misguided early Christians, many of whom had anti-scriptural notions of marriage and family.
Scripture does emphasize Mary’s virginity before Jesus’ was born. Would it not be strange for newlyweds to have no interest in uniting physically? Or what should a pastor say to one thinking of entering a marriage, but planning to remain a virgin indefinitely? The urge to procreate is implanted by God and cannot be turned off like a switch. It is a divine gift, even if many use this wrongly and in evil ways.
To think Mary had a charade of a marriage and Joseph was basically just a roommate and platonic brother—almost mocks them as male and female and presents holy people as disembodied spirits—not physical creatures designed precisely and with clear purpose by our Creator. Marital love and fidelity, and accepting the children God gives through the marital duty, require true chastity, self-control, and love to remain united in all aspects to the one person God gave. United as one flesh, continuing to unite physically furthers the union, while purposeful virginity—acting as a single person—does not. The abstention of martial duty for so-called spiritual reasons is to be quite limited, and never permanent, according to Scripture:
But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor. 7:2-5).
Mary and Joseph were not exempt from the duties of marriage—they were not angels without sexual desire. Marriage is a true monastery, as Luther spoke of it—not in the sense of psychically refraining, but spiritually being tested. Marriage is hard enough without adding superficial and unbiblical notions of virginity somehow being compatible with marriage—which is a non-sequitur. Those who wish to be celibate should not marry. Those who marry were created bodily beings by the Lord and should not deny what is owed the other person. The physical uniting of male and female, within God’s holy institution is not unholy or unspiritual—quite the opposite. It leads to marital unity, multiplication, and fruitfulness.
The body is routinely gravely misused by sinners and the sexual act debased in countless ways (too many to list in the 6th commandment’s explanation), but that does not undermine the divine gift of marriage and the physical uniting it entails. It is holy because it comes from God—and being sexless is not more holy. If Mary remained a virgin, she should not be honored for that fact—a pastor would tell her that that is not healthy or according to God’s design. So there is no reason, aside from the questionable baggage of tradition, to assume she had a deficient marriage in any respect.
Mary is rightly to be honored, but marriage is much bigger than any person’s pious thoughts. Marriage is not ours to redefine. Every marriage, chaste marital uniting, and conception of a child (though impacted by sin and the curse of death) is holy and fulfills our creative purpose. These were meant to lead to love and fidelty and be done in faith toward God as good works. No child conceived and born is less than God’s work—that applies today and also to Mary, as God allowed after she gave birth to the Messiah. —ed.
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